It is interesting when something hits you. You don’t see it coming, but there it is. A feeling you’ve been pushing aside, just waiting for a moment of vulnerability to come out. I am sure that many people experienced it this weekend. An awkward moment when you started to cry or felt a pang of sadness. It had to be released. You had to let it out to move forward.
I would have loved to run the 2014 Boston Marathon. After finishing 6th in 2013 and then being witness to the aftermath of all that happened, I knew the 2014 Boston Marathon was going to be the largest symbol of hope and stand on the biggest stage our sport has ever seen. The entire world was going to be watching Patriot’s Day, and we all knew it would be one for the ages. I had never intended on running the Boston Marathon this year. I believed that the emotion left over from last year would inhibit me from performing to my best, and I felt strongly that Boston deserved only my best. But once I showed up at the airport and saw everyone in their Boston Marathon jackets, I felt a pang in my chest that I wasn’t racing.
It’s a strange thing watching from the sidelines when you are used to being on the starting line. You see the event in a whole new light. For me, I got to understand Boston on an even deeper level and leave with an even more meaningful understanding of what The Boston Marathon means to the running community.
I was nervous even about attending Boston. I wondered if I would be frightened. I wondered if I would feel anxiety or the helplessness and devastation that I felt last year. I didn’t know what, if anything, would be hard for me to see.
The emotions hit me at random times. When I arrived at the gate in Denver before even leaving for Boston, tears started to fill my eyes. Patriots Day was here, it was happening, and I was heading back to the place that has left a scar on my heart. A permanent place of guilt. Guilt that my family escaped without physical scars. Guilt that I am grateful for that. Guilt that they had been in danger because they support my passion to run- a passion which seemed silly in the wake of it all. Guilt I carry and doubt will ever go away. Guilt that my son was so traumatized that he needed therapy to deal with what he saw, the panic in my eyes and terror on my face.
The Oiselle women cheering in Wellesley.
Once boarded on the plane an excitement began to replace the anxiety. Marathon weekend in Boston is a magical experience. Maybe it could feel that way again. I wanted to be there, I wanted to feel the healing. I needed to see it with my own eyes.
I had the honor of spending time with many fans and fellow runners and it was good for my soul. Between my need for healing and my injury, my fellow runners filled me up with peace and hope. The energy was contagious. Everyone was feeding off each other and you could feel the power in the air.
On Sunday I went over to the finish line to get a quick run down for the interview I’d be doing during the broadcast. I wondered how I’d feel about passing the Marathon Sports store, seeing the bleachers. But I felt only happiness. People were buzzing and excited in the streets. The sun was shining and glistening around us. This would not be a repeat of 2013. The city of Boston and the runners from all over the world were taking back the streets.
I went over to the Fairmont Copley to wish Shalane Flanagan good luck. The Copley is the hotel where I was with my family when the bombs went off last year. The feelings hit me suddenly and unexpectedly. It was hard for me to speak. I hugged Shalane and told her how proud I was, but it was hard for me to hold it in. I shared a few tidbits I hoped would help her the next day and left her for her interview. And then I couldn’t hold it in anymore. It wasn’t fear or anxiety. Just a sweeping and heavy feeling of sadness. My friends, Sally Bergesen and Shanna Burnette, embraced me. The last time I was at that hotel was the most terrified I have ever been in my life. The day that the purity of running seemed to be destroyed. I felt so overwhelmed and so small.
Monday I watched unbelievable races. I watched Shalane pour her heart out and wear it visibly on her sleeve. She gave it all in the streets of Boston. And although she didn’t win, Boston will remember her performance non the less. Just like when I failed to win in 2009 the city embraced my effort just the same. I saw Meb take home the title, a story book ending that seemed destined to be written. I felt so nervous after he passed me and the Oiselle clan in Wellsley. Could he hold on? Did he know what a victory would mean? And I saw thousands of others. Bearing their souls, vulnerability showing in their exhausted bodies. It was beautiful. It was perfect.
The running community, our family, came out in full force in Boston. We collectively held hands and took a giant step forward. There will never be another Boston 2014. It was one for the ages. And although I am sad that I didn’t get to be a competitor, I feel so lucky that I got to be a participant. I have never been prouder to be a part of the running community. Thank you all for helping to heal a piece of my heart.
Thank you for sharing this with us all. It truly was amazing watching the outstanding performances…what a way to honor all of those affected by last year’s tragedy. It is tough standing on the sidelines, but it helps you appreciate the race from an entirely different point of view. I am glad you were able to be there to be a part of history and to support our amazing family of runners.
hi, i dont think i have the right to tell you how to feel, but i would say you should not feel guilty for the barbaric acts of others. your letter was very touching, wishing you continued success in your running from a casual runner in ireland
Thanks for sharing Boston from your perspective this weekend. I, too, felt a wave of different emotions on Patriots Day. I’m so glad for the healing that took place on Monday, and I’m looking forward to the next time you toe the line at Boston. I wish you and your family continued healing and peace.
What a beautifully written piece. It was the perfect way to describe a lot of Boston 2013 and 2014. The pain and fear of 2013 will always linger, but this year definitely provide a much needed band aid.
I loved watching Shalane dominate on Monday, and look forward to seeing you lace up again when you’re ready to take on another Boston marathon.
Congratulations,once again, on a beautifully written piece. One could feel the emotion, the swings and the depth. Like your running,you clearly put your whole heart into your writing.
You will always remain in the minds of those fortunate to see you run with your passion. Now I hope that we can also look forward to your writing about your experiences. You do both with excellence. Thanks.
You’re an inspiration to me in so many ways (I used your book to prep for my first marathon and it’s my go-to bible for anything I need) – and knowing that you get scared too and that you have the same feelings as the rest of us makes me realize why you’re such a wonderful person to look up to. My running partner and very close friend was there last year and ran again this year to do the same as Shalane and Meb and thousands of others – to take back the streets that took that day from her. She had a PR and said it was the most amazing day of her life! Thanks for sharing from your point of view – you’ll run it again and we’ll be there cheering you on!
Great post. On any normal day, runners will always be a community. At the Boston Marathon last year, that community got even bigger because the nation got behind every runner and friend or family member of runners. So this year at the start line, everyone knew it was the next step in getting over last year. This year I was at my computer at work watching trying not to scream at Shalane and Meb to will them to win. They did so great for themselves, for runners, and for everyone…to move forward.
Thank you for sharing this. Something about this years race left me so proud to be a runner and an American. Although for me Boston might always just be a dream but I will always be Boston strong! You are an inspiration to many woman runners probably more than you know. Thank you for being so honest!
I love this. Thank you for being someone we can look up to, for sharing your experience, and for taking pride in our city. You are amazing.
Thank you for sharing your heart Kara. Your words capture so much of how many of us this year. I did get to run and was honored to do so but in going back to Boston after last year, so many buried emotions came up… Guilt, anxiety…feelings of almost not deserving to be so emotional since I was one of the ones that finished and came home safe. It took some reflection and processing to realize thst just as with anything else, I needed to allow myself to feel what I felt. I’m so glad this year was one of healing and Happiness for you. You have been such a light in the running community and it has been a joy to watch your path unfold as you continue to live passionately …real…vulnerably…with your heart on your sleeve. You’re playing a huge part in making some really amazing transformations in the world of women’s running. Seeing you partner with Oiselle and make such bold and true to you steps has started something truly beautiful in our sport that I love so much! As a running blogger and someone very active in the running community, it has been fun and inspiring to see the small and big ways you (and Oiselle) have impacted women runners!! I wish you so much more healing and happiness Kara! It was great to meet you again. I hope we connect in the future.
Thank you for your honesty, this was so eloquently put and I relate so much to what you speak of as I was a block away last year. I had never been so terrified. Thank you for sharing your journey towards healing, and I wish you and your family (especially your little son) all the best.
Moving Forward, what a great Title. That is what running has done for me. I watch Stars like you and Meb and Shannon, and I watch your grace in running and racing. Your sharing of training techniques, and advise. And then i watch you cry, and I watch you heal, and I watch you smile. I may never ever get a chance to run Boston, but these words here remind me how important this Race, this year was for every runner I know. Thank you for sharing, and keep it up. And keep Moving Forward.
A beautiful tribute Kara! This year was my first Boston, and emotions were high. The city of Boston (and all the towns along the route) showed such an overwhelming amount of love and support–it was much more than 26.2 miles that we overcame! What an amazing experience, both as runners and spectators. Thank you for being such an inspiration! I was disappointed that I couldn’t get by to see you at the expo and get your autograph, you and Shalane are my heros! Best wishes in your recovery, keep chasing those dreams and inspiring us!
This was awesome to read. Thank you for sharing your words and experience.
Awesome feelings for all. Meb and Shalane I am SURE are very happy and played a HUGE part in the 2014 Boston Marathon!
Cheers to ALL who ran
Thanks for sharing this, it’s a great read.
You nailed it about the feelings of guilt, I hadn’t thought of it that way previously. And their were also so many “why”s.
Wishing you lots of blessings in life and your running.
Thank you for sharing this with everyone! I have run Boston in the past, but was a spectator, watching on Hereford Street last year. When the bombs went off, I knew something was wrong and it shook me to the core. The Boston Marathon, Marathon Monday, is one of my most favorite days of the year, as a runner, spectator and volunteer. After everything happened I vowed to run Boston again this year, for the victims, the injured, the entire running community and for the City of Boston. I would to let what happened define the spirit of the Boston Marathon. I did end up running, as part of the Boston Children’s Hospital Miles for Miracles team. I will always remember April 21st and will always remember how amazing the day was and how the entire community (BAA, City of Boston, runners, spectators and volunteers) embraced it. So proud to be part of this wonderful city and running community.
Kara thank you for writing us such an honest piece. Loved reading this – you are my favorite runner and always will be! You represent all good things for the sport of running, women, and families. Keep up the awesome work and congratulations on your two new sponsorships!
This was beautiful and emotional to read. I can only imagine how it felt to experience Boston 2014 and write about it. Thank you for sharing with us.
-Rachel
Beautifully written. It was so good to see that you were there and embracing the spirit and energy of the moment. Whether you ran the race on this day, or not, is not relevant. You have the power to continually inspire people by your genuine honest nature and strong commitment. Our family was supposed to be there last year, and this year….and had cancel both times due to late injury before the race. Disappointment at first, then acceptance of the path we were meant to travel. Monday was an amazing day for healing and the forward momentum is strong. Thank you for being part of that progress. The running community is incredible and we are lucky to have you in the game. Can’t wait to watch you run again! Wishing you happy and healthy training!
I loved reading your entry! You are as cool as I imagined you to be!!!! Fellow mommy and runner!
I love you! Thanks for inspiring so many!!!!
It was our first time to run and cheer in Boston last year and we came back again this year. It’s been difficult for us to find the words to share our story. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. We can relate to many of your thoughts and feelings.
Kara!! Love this reflection. You are amazing. Wanted to share with you what I wrote yesterday. Much love and thanks for sharing!
So…. It’s been a year and a week since my parents, Danielle, Steven, and I were about to have our bloody Mary’s at Stephanie’s on Newburry when we heard the first explosion….and then the second…. And then I sat on an airplane and typed out my thoughts…
This past Saturday prior to the 118th straight running of the Boston Marathon, I was able to see just where Stephanie’s was located in relation to the blast sites and now I know why Danielle’s reaction and instincts were so strong in the moment. (Good thing I have no sense of direction!)
I also know how unbelievably lucky I am that my family, the Schneiders and I were all safe on April 15, 2013 as well as just how lucky I am to have run yesterday. I will do my best to explain just what it means to be Boston Strong.
For starters, I took a selfie on the plane with Bostin Celtics Jared Sullinger followed up with getting to read Runners World and Sports Illustrated Boston 2014 edition…..both excellent accounts of elites (Meb and Shalane) as well as updates on those affected by last years bombings. Not a bad way to head into Bean-town. Then upon taking a cab into Brookline, banners and signs in bright blue, yellow and orange covered storefronts, homes and apartments all boasting Boston Strong.
Then I got to see Danielle who had told me her marathon signature nails would be a surprise…. Each nail a blue and yellow design including the Boston Strong ribbon (or the Swedish flag as referred to by the humorous-guys we sat with in the morning in the field leading up to the race). Her nails turned us into celebrities at the Boston Trader Joes where every checkout girl was gushing over them and we even got free reusable Boston TJ bags! #pumped and hadn’t even gone to expo yet!
My parents and I headed down to the expo and decided to go the finish line first. On the T on the way down, I totally eavesdropped on some runners times so I could compare my stats to them…. They were faster.
When we got down to Boylston, the sidewalks were packed in Boston jackets and enthusiastic fans. The finish line was like none other. The memorials at both blast sights were simple but filled with love and meaning. People were thoughtful and took time to pay respects and then transitioned to taking pictures with huge smiles on the freshly painted 2014 finish line which included a blue heart with Boston inscribed.
My parents and I then walked over to Stephanie’s which was a block away. We went in and decided we would wait for the Schneiders to have our bloody Mary’s. For lack of a better word, it felt “regular”. And we of course discussed the day and just how luck we were.
Shortly after we met up with the legendary, run too many marathons to count (upwards of 60) Doug Clark. We went to the expo where we took the same routine pictures, walked a few booths and then hurried out so we could meet Christian and Caroline, the amazing couple, Danielle and I had fundraised first.
I was extremely nervous. I often feel like I can talk to a wall and there is always the weather to talk about but was feeling a strong mix of excitement and apprehension. Danielle and I reminded each other about the emails and that they seemed just as eager to meet us as we were them.
As soon as Christian walked In With their adorable 4 month old daughter, Marlowe, strapped to his chest, I knew we would all be fine. I have waivered back and forth about being so lucky that dAy and feeling guilty for not helping but their hugs immediately took that away. We all took turns hugging and introducing ourselves but the level of comfort was instantaneous. Not only are Christian and Caroline a gorgeous couple, they are so open and clearly had such determined, generous hearts and were funny. Christian made sure to let us know that he has now made it in Sports Illustrated twice.
We heard their stories from that day, the year that has unfolded for them, including the birth of their daughter, and their thoughts on being at the finish tomorrow opposite of where they had been cheering last year. Christian explained how he will probably never be able to run again because of his injuries while Caroline expressed she definitely wants to get back to running when she is ready. Caroline also expressed concern that she wanted to make sure other charities were not be affected this year and they felt both gratitude and guilt.
After meeting with Christian and Caroline who have overcome so much this year, we decided to get those bloody Mary’s from last year at Stephanie’s. We sat in virtually the same spot and all was good!
Meeting Christian and Caroline was truly inspiring, and thank goodness, because physically yesterday I pulled on every story, fan, sign, spectator, family and friends from near and far, past and present, runner, student, and aid station to drag my butt through the last 8 miles covered in a mix of sweat, smiles, water and tears to Boylston.
For the race report from my competitive side…… let’s just say yesterday was not my finest. I did not take the one piece of advice I usually give people…. Don’t go out too hard….. At 14 I was feeling awesome, was riding off the energy of the banana holders, a surprise childhood friend and her baby, and the countless roaring of the crowd, and so I told Danielle it might be a mistake. but I’m going to go for it and you’ll probably get me later…. Welp, guess I know myself? Come mile 18, I was smiling and high fiving on the outside but on the inside my brain was screaming JUST DON’T WALK. And then would thought spiral into why I run, who I run for, and oh yeah, the only person who told you to do this was you.
Luckily, in the last 8 miles the crowd just got bigger and louder, and I got to give Danielle a pat on the back as she effortlessly blazed by me on a hill. I also found out Meb won!!!!! I then saw a friend from high school, the banana holders and got to see Adam at his first, but certainly not last Boston marathon, with his enthusiastic mom, Joanna.
Then, I think, with a little less then a mile to go I saw a banana. It was Merle, Eric and Perri…… That was an ugly stop. My heart rate plummeted from my dead stop and I Gave hugs, almost puked in some dude’s box of Mike’s canolis, dripped in sweat and then somehow peeled myself off the fence and away from Merle and “ran” to the finish.
The. Finish. Was. Awesome. I won’t lie I was physically delirious but I know the throngs of people and energy in the air was there and was amazing. And don’t get me wrong, I would be lying to myself if I said I was happy with my time (3:36:05) but there was and is no time to dwell on that. Literally just makes me appreciate the really great races I have had and the great races that will come (I hope-maybe this is what 31 is?).
Shalane ran a 2:22. Her fastest marathon to date! Most other years– I think she’d have placed. This year it put her in 7th. I had to explain to my mom that her devastation was real. I mean the girl is from Boston and she wanted to do it for her city!!!!
But from the non competitive side, this race yesterday was definitely so much more than for a PR or a win.
The people and city of Boston is truly something. The Boston Marathon embraces everything great about people and sports–from cheering to volunteering to pushing others.
Can’t wait for 2015 (and yes, mom, I would like a boyfriend then too:-) )
Sent from my iPad
Beautifully written Kara. I can’t imagine the pain and suffering for those who were actually there witnessing what happened. I was horrified enough just watching it on TV. I prayed and hoped this year would bring some healing to those affected, yourself included and glad to hear that it was a good experience. Watching the marathon at home on TV was quite emotional, and I got teary eyed several times. It’s a race and year many won’t forget. I pray for continued healing for your family and son, and all those lives touched by that horrific event. Hope you heal up soon and get back to it, but so glad you were able to experience things in a new light. Blessings!!
You are amazing. You are inspirational. I am proud of you. Keep on running!
thank you for sharing this honest post
Thank you so much for this. It is so comforting to hear you talk about being emotional and the guilt you have felt. My three year old and I were 100 feet away from the second bomb but missed it by minutes. I feel like a hole was ripped in the universe and for no real reason, we just didn’t fall in. I too have had guilt about the exposure of my little one. I do feel though that the hole is being slowly woven back together and the guilt lessend as much as it can be by honesty and courage and love. Thank you so much for your honesty. I find it so much more inspiring and genuine than just being “strong”. Maybe it is the difference between “Being Strong” and “Genuine Strength”? In any case, thank you so much for being one of the threads that sews this insane experience back to wholeness.
I had tears in my eyes while reading this post. As I watched the live feed Monday I kept welling up as well. Your right it comes in waves and I wasn’t even there last year but I watched you and Shalane cross the finish line. I watched this year as everyone gave it there all. It was cathartic and emotional and inspiring thank you for sharing
It’s healing to read that so many people felt the same way I did. I’ve run one marathon, a BQ by over 20 minutes, and then got a stress fracture training for Boston (L 2nd met, same bone Kara broke). I felt my heart was breaking too, but I decided to go anyway because some good friends were running and I’d already bought the plane ticket. An ex-friend once said to me, “Well, you’ll never be an elite runner, but you can still have fun,” and for the first time I felt a little glad about that, at least having that anonymity. Doctors said I could probably jog-walk halfway, so I did, high-fiving everyone who put their hand out. The support was incredible; I’ll never forget how much love was in the air. I made it past Wellesley, past the halfway point and then shuttled back to cheer the finishers on. I was close enough to see smoke from the explosions – then all I remember is endless sirens, the looks on people’s faces. I don’t know if I’ll ever consider another marathon, but I’m always looking forward to my next race, when that small scared sad feeling is swept away by the excitement of being part of something so great. May we continue to inspire each other to full recovery and unlimited success.
Kara, I love this. Thank you for sharing. Reading your post brought up emotions from this past weekend, and those from last year as well. I too, am so proud to be a part of the running community. Thank you again for writing this. It made my day 🙂
Kara – you said it all right here. Although I wasn’t in Boston last year, I usually am on Marathon Weekend and wasn’t sure how this year would go. Any sort of hesitation dissolved as soon as I arrived in the city – the energy was contagious. You could just tell everything was going to go just right, there was so much positivity and hope in one place it still gives me goosebumps. And Meb winning? You couldn’t have written a better ending (unless the win also involved Shalane, who poured her guts out on that course). So glad I went this year and I’m glad you were able to do so as well and have such a great experience. Now, onward, right? It was awesome meeting you at the expo (Nuun booth, Twitter nerd…) – keep kicking ass!
Very moving, enjoyed reading the honest heartfelt reflection and feelings you put into words. For those of us who are runners and live in Boston, it was a very emotional weekend, but a very beautiful Marathon Monday.
We love sharing our city with so many special visitors like yourself.
Hope you will come race next year!
Thank you for sharing this, Kara. I was able to meet you on Sunday, and will be forever grateful for the opportunity. I was choked up, on the verge of tears, and all I could utter was, “You’re such an inspiration.” THIS is why you are an inspiration to me. You bring such passion to our sport in a loving, encouraging, heart warming way. Thank you for being honest and vulnerable. You make me proud to be a runner. Boston 2014 was such an unforgettable experience. I’m glad you were a part of it.
In the end. As fate would have it. You did not run, and you came away with two very important emotional memories that day. You first were able to see, feel and emerase yourself in the revelry of the event. Yet it was clear it was more, it was watching a healing of a city, of a community ( us as runners) and a nation. This event was important to so many on so many levels. Lastly, it was your healing moment, that bourdon of guilt, now is past. In so many ways this year for you is about personal changes, moving beyond the past. Not a new Kara, a different, improved, soulful Kara. Just like to heart that keeps you moving forward, indeed, stronger.
Thank you for your writing. Your vulnerability is commendable and I enjoyed reading things from an elite athlete’s perspective. Thank you. Also, watching Boston Marathon on Monday from home I felt a mix of emotions as well. Thank you for validating them.
Kara, thank you for sharing and being such an awesome inspiration!!! I ran the race last year and fortunately was fast enough… I couldn’t make it this year (I live in Europe), but watching it live at home was as emotional… Good luck with your injury recovery and training!!!
Kara, you are my inspiration. I too, was not able to return to Boston 2014. Metatarsal stress fracture. Honestly, you were that one person that gave me hope. “If Kara can overcome this disappointment, then so can I.” Thank you for that. Thank you for all that you do for our running community. You are well and truly loved.
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